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Well, sooner or later we were going to have to get around to it: fucking fat chicks. The fattest chick I ever fucked was tall, about 5'8", and probably about 15-20 lbs. overweight (probably would list herself as "average" on the internet; guffaw), so it's not like she was a jiggling bag of Jell-o or anything like that.
I have to say though, she definitely had a little more cushion than that to which I was previously accustomed, but on the flip side she was pretty buxom as well and there were places to grab onto to which I wasn't previously privy. She gave great head (I always heard previously that if you want a really good blow job, it's hard to beat a sister with a little cream cheese thigh, if you know what I mean; and she was all that).
Anyway, I have a friend that goes out with fat girls - he likes them, and says they are great for sex because they are extremely enthusiastic. I am wondering whether that's because they are grateful to be having sex with anyone, or whether maybe they think it's a workout or something.
Brings up a joke I used to hear back in the day: How do you fuck a fat chick? You roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
Brings up another joke: A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck you every time!"
I really don’t have anything meaningful to say about fat fucking, I’m just trying to annoy people. Oh! I am wondering though, if you are with a fat girl does she get on top? I don’t know if I could handle all that...maybe someone could let me know.
While I have definitely not ever licked or stuck my fingers in some chick's ass (even on request I have either not reacted and have also dodged the "leaning in that direction" while engaged in other endeavors in close proximity) I have fucked an asshole or four in my time. As a global proposition it sounds all hot and shit, but I am here to tell you that at least to me, I really wasn't all that crazy about it.
As has been noted in other posts, I apparently frequent the thinner version of the female of the species; and this is true. So, when I actually engaged in fucking an asshole, it actually hurts - I mean that shit is pretty tight.
Now while you can definitely work it out a little and get some moving room and while some lubrication is also welcome (I am thinking Brando's Last Tango in Paris: "where's the butter?") an asshole is never going to be as malleable as a pussy, so that didn't work very well for me. Not that I am a horse or anything: quite the contrary, I am an ordinary average guy, but I'm sorry, it just wasn't all that enjoyable to me.
Second, let's face it, fucking an asshole could carry the possibility of getting messy, and while this did not ever happen to me, my OCD was like screaming in the back of my head "don't look, don't look" and all that, and I really did not want to be addressing the condom once I was finished, although my fears were unfounded in my outings. However, I have heard from others some extremely gross stories that I won't repeat here because they are not in my personal experience. So again, fucking an asshole is certainly not in my top 10 sex acts because of that.
Finally, it really is all about the fucking, and you just can't switch out of fucking an asshole and go to town. I mean, that's just gross, and these vaginas are pretty sensitive with their natural bacteria and all that, so that's not going to work at all either unless you are both really drunk and neither one of you is thinking "vaginal infection" down the road a piece.
Just as an aside, I have also fucked a couple of assholes in the metaphoric sense, and it really is fun to grab some asshole drunk broad by the back of the neck and push her face into the mattress and ram it into her from behind. Then when she is screaming and coming (and they always do), you know, and she knows, exactly who the boss is, and that's just the way it should be...
I've so much enjoyed presenting some of my Fucking Stories to celebrate the 35th Anniversary of my first fuck, and we're not even close to finishing, so stay tuned!
There's one kind of experience I don't have, that is "Fucking Ugly." Even in my worst drunken moments, I have never fucked ugly. You might have Fucked Ugly, and I won't hold that against you.
Fucking Ugly must be big on these blogs, because I have to tell you, there are A LOT of ugly people on here. I fended off the advances of many of these ugly women, and paid the price, in that I was then labeled a mysoginist (which really I just am not a masohchist, but I digress). Be that as it may, let's continue.
Fucking Ugly is usually the last option of the drunk or desperate, but it serves a purpose. Also, ugly women are so infrequently fucked, that they must be really into it when it does happen, and even if you're a premature ejaculator or have a tiny dick, she's going to be grateful and offer you all kinds of specials and maybe even blueberry pancakes in the morning (ugly girls usually can cook very well, so I hear).
Ugly girls even have their own TV and reality shows now, so Fucking Ugly is definitely something that might even be in vogue: although I wouldn't know about that.
So anyway, remember if you're drunk, desperate, a little quick on the draw or a little small in the delivery department (or a blogger), Fucking Ugly is definitely an option for you!
I hear our latest blogger full of amour really looks like this:
Just like some crazy girls (She's a Crazy Fuck...) stupid girls are pretty good in bed for the most part. They are definitely not long on conversational skills, nor will they wow you with their ability to talk philosophy, politics, religion or any other erstwhile topic. However, when it comes to fucking, stupid girls can definitely do the trick.
There has been a couple times I've been with a stupid girl. A stupid girl will pretty much let you do whatever you want to her, use her as a rag doll in fact, as long as she's coming. Fail to make her come, and come a lot, and a stupid girl turns into a smart girl, and out the door she'll go. But a stupid girl who is coming is likely to turn around in the middle of your fucking her from behind and say "do you want to fuck me in the ass?" Now that's a stupid question! See?
I am looking through my gallery to see if I have any pictures of the last stupid girl I fucked so as to regale you with that, but she's not here in any decent image - they are all ones she let me take of her naked and such, and I won't put those on here. I've gone home with a few stupid girls in my day. I mean, you have to be a stupid bimbo just to go home with some guy. What if I turned out to be one of those guys who will keep the girl tied up in a box under his bed for 5 years, or worse!
When it comes to sex, a lot of smart girls are even pretty stupid. I can't tell you the number of times women were ready just to let me slip it to them with no protection whatsoever. Just as I get close to the moment of truth, I always stop and look her straight in the eyes and say "no condom?" Doing that is always pretty funny to me.
So what is my stupid girl fucking story? I really don't have a specific one. However, I do like the simplicity of fucking a stupid girl: no conversation required. If I say, for example, "I use 60 watt light bulbs to save energy," a stupid girl will think I am a fucking genius!
So while crazy girls will fuck you, and fuck you very well, a stupid girl, while still a little demanding will let you fuck her up and down, in every place she has and in every way, shape and form, and just giggle about it all! How can you beat that? Maybe those stupid girls aren't so dumb after all!
Back to the 35th Anniversary of my first fucking, and, a commentary apropos of some of the LOSERS that just can't and won't ever rate. We may as well get this stuff out on the table now before the precious blogs go bye-bye.
As I have presented in other recent writings, I definitely enjoy fucking, but before there was fucking women, there was definitely "fucking myself." Masturbation has a long and storied history I need not try to present here, but everyone masturbates, so it's worthy to note that first so we can move on.
Sometimes though, masturbation is all the sex someone can get - for whatever reason - usually because the person is undesirable in many respects. This causes them usually to be extremely jealous of those of us that are fucking, and they call us names like "insecure" and what not.
Query (just as a relevant example) what someone like me possibly has to be insecure about? Looks, brains, body, money, women, real estate, sense of humor, etc...ok, I'm "insecure"...hahaaa...although personally, I love looking down at all of those people that suffer beneath me...
So back to "fucking yourself." Most morons and losers that apparently can't get any sex and that just sit on the internet all day without any life at all can just go fuck themselves. Even if they spend three times the amount of time trying to ge laid than they do bothering say, me for example, they still wouldn't get laid, so they really need to go fuck themselves. This might clear some of the mental deficiencies under which they suffer (I am being generous - nothing is really going to do that) apparently caused by their low self esteem. Otherwise, they are mentally masturbating, as their feeble minds try to strike some kind of balance between low voltage and trying to say something that sounds the least bit interesting.
So the next time you're thinking about being a pain in the ass, just remember that you can simply just go fuck yourself, and there won't be any problems!
I forgot I had this picture of my Brazilian lover and her friends taken a couple months ago. How I would like to work my way through them all in a very small pile. All those white teeth!
I love flirting with these four, and they like flirting with me. I am wondering when this all stops? Do I just keep doing this until I'm, like, too old to remember how? Or do I slowly but at the same time more quickly fade away as the lack of interest from the younger (comparatively) set of the opposite sex becomes apparent as I deteriorate with advancing age?
It's been a while since most 20-somethings would be flirting with me, and while the 30-somethings are still at it, I know the next stop is that they are going to lose their interest as well. I don't lament this in the least: it is the natural order of things. That's why I love today, what I still have, these women (and others) and all their white teeth...and the flirting...
Looks like it's over and out here prety soon kids. The portals are dwindling. Nerve and Onion are now both gone...boohoo...and while Dating Faces still works for the moment, it's just a matter of time before that portal is done too. It's like the 2012 of the Blogs, or Ice Nine!
Well, what an electric night - the Yankees handily disposed of the Phillies, who went down meekly in the face of extreme pressure and on the world's biggest stage.
The haters will be out in force today, claiming "the Yankees bought the Championship" and etc., as if you don't actually have to go out and play the games. In a City known for big excess, big moments, big expectations and big everything, the Yankees came up big, and in a big way.
The haters ar like this with anything and anyone evidencing success. Be successful and YOU WILL BE HATED. It comes with the territory. People will put you down, question your morals (as if they had any really), say you "don't deserve it" (as if they deserved it more because they don't have it), claim "they wouldn't want it" (and if this really is the case why are they judging it?) and all the other negative hoopla those that don't and can't measure up try to throw on those that do. The simple thing they don't understand is NO ONE CARES: especially not the winners, who have won.
So, Yankee Stadium was electric last night, the Championship secured, "New York, New York" sung with gusto, the players cheered, the trophies shared and it was a scene to behold and remember. My nephew and I basking in the glow of it all - high fives with strangers, cheers, nerves, the whole enchilada that is professional sports and entertaining the boy inside.
Congrats to the Phillies for putting up a great fight, and for being a worthy champion from last year. It is only right that the Yankees had to play and win against a class team and organization with huge talent.
Congrats to our boys from New York – for another Championship that has become our tradition, and in fact also somewhat our birthright.
I have been thinking Yankees in 6 since the WS started, as I have tickets for tonight's game and really want to see the Yankees win a World Championship in person. I have been to many World Series games, but never the clincher for the Yankees (I saw the Dodgers win it once). I was even at the game where the Yankees LOST the Series to the Marlins in Game 6.
Will the Yankess do it? Who knows? However, I will be there to see it one way or another. The thing I do NOT like about the World Series is that it is totally inaccessible to the real and true fan. My tickets are in the Mezzanine level and cost over $1200 each - it's sick. The stands are filled with corporate bosses (like me...heh-heh) and celebrities and what not, and the regular, every day fan who lives and dies with every pitch all year is not able to access tickets at those prices. Most Dads can't take their kids to the game anymore uring the regular season, much less to a World Series game.
I have been a Yankee fan since my Dad (then NYPD) took me on the field (that badge could get you anywhere back in the day) during batting practice at the old, old (before renovations) Yankee Stadium in 1964, where I shook hands with none other than Mickey Mantle and Tom Tresh - that's it - Yankee fan for life! I lived through the very lean years as a boy, suffering greatly every year as the Yankees had bad teams from the mid-60s until Reggie and Billy Martin's Yankees won.
The last 15 years have been pretty awesome for Yankee fans, and tonight they may return to being World Champions, where they haven't been in quite some time. Obviously the Phillies have a lot to say about that, and a Game 7 could also be in the offing, and all bets are off then.
So, anyway...Yankees in 6? We'll see...the boy in me is extremely excited!
I know I'v ebeen out of touch, and you're upset, but here I am! More tales of fucking and debauchery to celebrate my 35th Fucking Anniversary!
Well, I am transitioning for the winter now to my place in Ft. Lauderdale, and as I lamented in Someday I Am Going to Miss Fucking......, that sad day is coming some day, but certainly and apparently not too soon.
I think there's something about the beach and the heat that makes women more naturally horny, because I am and plan to continue fucking a lot more here than I do in NYC (and I do a bit there as well). Here it seems that the 30s chicks are all after it, because the options are the really old guys with the geriatric walkers and oxygen tanks...hahaa...There's also a big Latino community here, so there are a lot of Cubans, Brazilians (the hottest) and various other South and Central Americans. They are all hot and horny, and it makes the American chicks have to compete on that level or else be left bereft, so everyone is really fucking here! Add to that that Ft. Lauderdale has a significant gay population, and it's not hard to see what's going on here for any good looking, smart, straight, single guy (especially with money) with a good body - we're talking avalanche pretty much.
I am seeing someone here, somewhat, but she's all about being independent (I get the benefit of a "don't ask, don't tell" policy) and that suits me fine. She now apparently likes to fuck and fucks me very well. She played her cards right at the beginning and strung me out a little and made me chase after her. So, I reversed her on that and chased her a little (just to make her think her plan was working), and then completely disappeared. Then when she left me the third message without a response, I alled and acted kind of bored and aloof. The next thing I knew it I was invited over to the house for dinner, and I went over there and we had at it, and it was good. Now she can’t get enough and is calling me every day. She went from "kind of uninterested" to a half a stalker in 5 minutes! Women...anyway...
Reverse psychology of this type works very well on women in many circumstances, but especially with fucking. As soon as you let them know you NEED to fuck, well, then the Venus Fly Trap is snapping closed, and you're on the outside looking in. If you can turn that around and go totally aloof, well, the flower will then open and she'll be chasing you around. Take it from me: playing hard to (or impossible to) get is the BALLS! Forget about all that "sensitive man" bullshit. That's good if you're in some stale relationship and don't want to get yelled at for not taking out the garbage. If you want to get laid - you have to make yourself unavailable.
So, while that was going on, I ran into a very hot 34 year old Brazilian (the hottest) number, and she's all over it. Most Brazilians you don't have to play games with. A large percentage of the Brazilian women are basically "let's fuck" and you're off. You don't have to play the games with them that you have to with these American women.
To link to this blog from blog posts/comments, use [blog cowboy_neal], from anywhere else use http://personals.westword.com/blog/cowboy_neal,
and to read it remotely use the feed.
